


no i'll never find another

by ohadeline



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: mostly feels, rory: a character study, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 10:05:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10988688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohadeline/pseuds/ohadeline
Summary: she shouts no. she wishes she had shouted it to herself instead of jess.





	no i'll never find another

It’s not really what she wants, so Jess is wrong at some point. When he shouts “It’s what I want. It’s what you want, too,” to her in the dark dorm room full of boxes, she truly, truly, truly believes when she shouts back: No.  
She does not want it. She does not want to work and read and be together with Jess. She does not want to sleep in a mattress on the floor, to sell her books when they can’t put together a rent, to walk in the crowd of New York, or even worse, to be constantly, continuously on the road. No. She cannot believe Jess even has the nerve to assume this is what she wants, that he believes he knows her so well to assert such a claim.  
No.

But one night, she dreams of it: that they are in California, that they eat fast food in silence as Jess writes and she reads. And it’s that. She wakes up sweating. It could be good. But that’s not what she wants. She likes mess, but an orderly-mess. To go to Middle East kinda mess, and to have a fashionable and costly mess. To wear silk skirts while eating Tacos kinda mess.  
That’s what she tells herself, even though she still cannot pinpoint exactly where she turned so far away from her mother’s humble life, where she turned so far away from her own beliefs. One part of her blames Emily and Richard Gilmore. But she wanted Yale. She wanted the high life. She wanted all of it, didn’t she? So she’s a snob. So what?  
She wants to call Jess, to tell him: Okay. I am ready. Let’s go to Vegas. I will pack a lot, so you better tell me you have enough space in the car. We can drive in shifts. You can sleep on my shoulder while I read to you. We can eat whatever you want. Please, please don’t tell me you have given up and moved on. We have such terrible timing. But I am ready now. It was what you wanted. I hope it still is. It’s what I want.  
She does not, though, even though the speech in her mind is so hearty she could convince her mom to go on to live with Jess. She does not, because she does not know whether she wants it because she loves Jess or because she is so tired, so tired of being coddled, of being spoiled, of being here. Maybe she misses that high school girl with three books in her backpack. Maybe she hates the Yale girl who does not have time to read. If it’s that, she cannot call Jess. It would not be genuine.  
Right?  
She is afraid, still, of missing out it, though. As much as she is afraid of hurting Jess or Jess hurting her or a car crash again. She is afraid of the unknown- she always has feared it. What told her she could be reporting in far away lands? Does she want it? Does she want Jess? It used to be so easy to tell what she wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> i have no fricking idea what this is.


End file.
